The making of a bad day

It’s Friday night and the start of my three-day birthday weekend. But I’m anything but happy about it. I have to admit that it’s been a bit of a crummy day.

The bad day started this morning when the massage appointment I’d scheduled for my birthday was cancelled, which wouldn’t have been too bad if it weren’t for the fact that the birthday appointments I’d made for a manicure, pedicure, and facial were all cancelled yesterday.

Then I went to meet with an accountant to take care of my taxes. I knew going in that it would be upsetting, but it was worse than I thought. First, I had to file as single. Single. That in itself was heartbreaking. And because I only had my foster daughter for five months of the tax year, I can’t claim her, which is OK since I’m reimbursed from the state so it’s not like I’m out of pocket for her care on top of it all.

But what it ends up meaning is that I am filing as a single, childless woman with a middle-class income. And that means I pay a lot of taxes! (Thanks to a higher pay check deduction I will get a small refund—but it’s very small!)

I can’t begin to explain the blow to my entire being to be filing as a single, childless woman when I know that if my life went according to plan I would be ticking the box “Married filing jointly” and putting a “2” in for the number of dependants.

Of course, because things tend to come in threes, part of my misery is thanks to a self-inflicted friend conflict. Or is that ex-friend conflict because I am the one who suggested to my friend that we stop being friends the other day? Either way, the stress is getting to me because I’m so torn over the entire situation.*

I expect tomorrow to be a hard day because I’m sorting through some of Paul’s things. But I’m hoping that Sunday is OK. As for Monday, well, I’ve never had good luck with my birthdays so I’m not going to hold my breath, but I’ll still hold out hope that my 37th year begins with more joy than my 36th year seems to be ending with …

* I have to wonder if I’m super upset about the dissolution of the friendship because of all of the other stresses I’m feeling or if I’ve caused the dissolution of the friendship because of my inability to handle other stresses. I guess it may always be a sort of chicken-and-egg thing.

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4 thoughts on “The making of a bad day

  1. Oh Dear you are in a bad space.
    Be kind to yourself.
    It takes two years to accept a loss like that…not that you will forget…but you will accept.
    I was a widow at 38 but I had four kids and a whole heap of other problems to take my mind off the horror.
    I don’t know why you suggested you stop being friends but, maybe, you should reconsider.
    Friends are so precious.
    My thoughts are with you.
    Hope your birthday is good.

    • Thank you for your kind words. Widowhood is certainly a difficult path and I can’t imagine doing it with children in tow. Though I often wish we’d completed our adoptions before Paul died, I sometimes think it’s better for the children to have gone to a home with a mom and a dad–plus I don’t know how I’d have coped with kids around! (I would have managed because that’s what you do, I suppose.)

      As for my friend, I think it’s been a long time coming. There’ve been more tears than laughter because of the friendship for over a year now. I can’t say what our future will hold, but for now saying goodbye feels like the only way. (Though I’m sure I’ll still shed plenty of tears.)

      Thankfully, I have made some very good friends over the last year or so who only make me happy. They are healthier relationships for me, and that’s a good thing!!

      I’ve enjoyed a little stroll around your blog this morning and will have to check back again. Your beach photos look just lovely!!

  2. I’m very sorry about all the trouble you’ve had and hope things have improved enough for you to have a wonderful birthday tomorrow.

    Is the friend in question one of the ones you mentioned on your earlier blog, who were so callous to you about Paul? If so, you were right to get rid of them.

    • Thanks, Laura. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I’m hoping it’s not too bad of a day. We’ll see…

      It’s not someone who made the callous comments–I ditched them a while back and feel so good about doing it!

      I think the problem with this friend is one of communication–or rather a lack of communication. But I seem to be the only one who sees a problem. Still, I’m unhappy, my friend doesn’t seem to care that I’m unhappy, so I had a [very hard and upsetting] choice to make. Right now I’m struggling with my choice, but I hope I’m right in that it was the best option for the long-term.

      Blah blah blah…

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