Crap from a loser

When I was 20 I met my first boyfriend. I thought he was amazing! He told me how to dress and reminded me regularly that I was getting fat and that I wasn’t all that smart. He was friends with my brothers-in-law, my sisters seemed to like him, as did my friends. Well, the friends I was allowed to keep. He was so wise to make me stop spending time with some of them. I mean, forget that I knew them for, like, ever!

Eventually, he left me for another woman, whom he married then divorced when he left for yet another woman. This shouldn’t be too shocking since he was a divorced man who’d cheated on his wife long before I’d ever met him.

But when he left, I was crushed. After all, he’d convinced me that—without him—I was nothing. I was fat, ugly, and stupid. And since he cleaned out the bank account (and the cash I had stashed in my jewellery box) when he left, I was also broke.

But I needed him. He was my soul mate. I was in love. (Blah, blah, blah. Barf.)

A couple of days after he left, the friends he said I couldn’t talk to came to my rescue and told me I was better off without him. (Liars! I thought at the time.) But they stayed with me (and are still with me) and I was so happy that they came back after Loser Boy had made me walk away from them.

By then, my self esteem was shot. At 125 (or less) pounds, I was convinced I was fat. I knew that I was the least attractive Cook Girl because he said so. And it wasn’t a secret that I wasn’t very smart. He had been doing me a great honour by staying with me and taking me out in public!

Thankfully, my self esteem returned over time. And when it did, I realised that all of the crap gifts he’d given me that I was saving for when he came back were rubbish! I mean gold jewellery? I didn’t like gold any more then than I do now! (But he preferred it, so that’s what I got.) And amethysts? Yes I know it’s my birth stone but I don’t like it. And sappy poetry cards signed simply: Love Loser Boy? Way to be original and think of your own prose!

So I boxed up all the crap and tossed it into the back of the closet at my folks’ house and forgot about it for more than a decade.

But then the other day I remembered the jewellery! Hey! I can sell that to help with my move to Scotland. I know it’s ugly and all, but gold can be sold for scrap. As can amethysts.

And can I just say how fun it was to throw the rest of the [now torn] crap into an old coffee can? Concert tickets, photos, cards, key chains—all of it! Oh, and since I was taking it out to the trash just then, I also emptied my old coffee grounds on top for good measure—a fate that Yuban didn’t deserve.

And for the record, when my self esteem completely returned a few years later I realised that—despite what Loser Boy told me—I was never fat, stupid, or ugly. And so to prove it, I went to university. (Really, that’s what prompted me to start school at nearly 25 years of age!)

And that act of spite meant that I met my second boyfriend, whom I would later marry. And that boyfriend? Well, he knew just how fit, intelligent, and beautiful I was/am. AND, he knew that I like silver-toned jewellery and also chose the best pieces, which will never be thrown in a box at the back of the closet!

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4 thoughts on “Crap from a loser

  1. I love this as well. I am always amazed at how easily we believe all the lies people might tell us about ourselves, and yet how slowly we believe the beautiful, positive truth.

    I’m so happy that you know all the wonderful things about yourself. I think you’re wonderful!

    When I was 21 I had a boyfriend that I was in love with. I remember the first time he called me a dumb a**. I was stunned into silence. No one had ever called me that before. And of course, he was “just kidding”. Eventually I had to get a restraining order against him. But my middle of the night exodus from Utah back to Washington in order to escape him got me there in time to meet a certain goofy young man named Jeff who I would immediately fall in love with and marry. I remember being heart broken that the loser who called me names and told me he could tell I had gained weight was no longer mine. I laugh at myself now when I consider how much I “lost” in order to gain the best thing that ever happened to me.

  2. Thanks, ladies! It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who got suckered in! One one hand I find it hard to believe that I did, but when I look back at all the little things that lead up to my allowing someone to control my every move, I can really see the warning signs. (Helps when your mind isn’t clouded with ‘love’.)

    I am just lucky that he was only emotionally and mentally cruel/abusive. (And he really was.) He never hit me and I don’t think for a moment he ever would have. Still… the emotional and mental scars he left ran deep!

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