From happy to crash

It’s been a bad day. It started good, but then something happened that caused me to come crashing down. I could tell you what that something was, but it’s so silly and makes me look completely and totally insane and unstable which hurts my ego which just makes the crash so much worse, so let’s just say it was something and leave it at that.

You see, I am so excited about my future. I’m [mostly] happy for the first time in two years. I have something to look forward to. I have plans that [I hope] will help me to be a strong, secure, and confident woman once again.

But somewhere in the back of my mind is this constant reminder that I had ‘It All’ before and that it was all taken away in the blink of an eye. And I’m constantly frightened that my world might crumble again and I don’t know that I can survive another re-build.

Yesterday, I was so excited to have looked over my finances again only to determine that I might actually have enough money to make the next year a success. Of course, I won’t be living the life style I’m used to now, but what I’ll be lacking in money I’m sure I’ll make up for in laughter and happiness. Today started out with more confidence-filled thoughts, too.

Then it dawned on me that part of my plan for the next year relies heavily on support from family and friends in the UK. And I started to worry that maybe I’ve played it all up a bit too much in my head; maybe I’ve convinced myself that my connections there are stronger than they are in reality.

What if I get to Scotland and find out that my friends don’t have time for me? What if I get there and we don’t have anything in common? What if they don’t like me? What if I’m too crazy for them in large doses when I’m actually there in person on the same continent all the time? What if… well, the list goes on.

Yes, I know how crazy this all sounds. I mean, I know that I will have loads of support when I arrive. I know that everyone wants to help. I know that people love me and care for me and blah blah blah. But sometimes, I just feel so alone and vulnerable and fragile and it doesn’t matter that I know I’m wrong. Sometimes, my mind just jumps to worst-case scenarios and when that happens, sometimes I can’t stop the spiral no matter how hard I try.

I feel better when I check out forums and blogs by other crazy widows because at least it seems that these insecurities and seemingly-unprovoked crying and sobbing fits are normal. And, I have to admit that my emotions may be a bit more tender than normal not only because I’m in the midst of preparing to leave the house I shared with Paul, but because tomorrow marks six years since we got married and there won’t be a card from him on the mantle place tomorrow morning to remind me of that fact…

I promise I will try to cheer up soon. After all, things are mostly happy these days and there really is a bright future waiting for me—I just can’t see it through the blur of the tears some days.

[To distract myself, I worked on one of my swirly drawings a bit. So at least my crash means I’ve broken out the drawing stuff again!]

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3 thoughts on “From happy to crash

  1. What you’re feeling isn’t stupid. But it isn’t reality either. Your friends and family here will be only too pleased to see you and have you with them. You are loved, don’t ever doubt that. I, for one, am just counting down the days!!

    • Thanks Rebecca! I really can feel your excitement for my move, and that helps more than you may know.

      I think the frustrating thing is that I know these feelings aren’t reality; I know this is going to be a good thing–but these bouts of grief and doubt grab me and I can’t turn them off. Thankfully, I can also see the triggers and I can rationalise why I’m feeling this way–even when I can’t stop the feelings.

      And can you believe that it’s now only about 2 1/2 months until I arrive? Yay!!

  2. Hang in there Girl! Of course emotional ups and downs are expected, after all this was a life altering decision that you have made and anytime something “major” is decided there is always the “What Ifs” that follow & “did I do the right thing”. It’s what makes us human, & shows that we use the logical parts of our brain, it’s not crazy at all. In fact if leaving your home & most of the things that you shared with your beloved husband didn’t make you break down from time to time- THEN I would think you were crazy!! ❤

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