Today would have been my 15th wedding anniversary. And in this very strange time of social distancing and self-isolation, I find myself missing Paul even more than normal. I know that I have shared about my relative “positive” handling of the lockdowns, but there is a part of me that can’t help but wonder if I would be managing even better if “the future” that Paul and I had planned before his sudden death was a reality instead of just a broken dream.
I think about how we were together, and I wonder how we would have spent our time in lockdown together. I like to imagine that we would have maintained our shared silliness over the years and that we would be making our way through this time with humour and levity whilst facing the realities head-on and with the same level of support and respect that we always had for each other.
And as today would have been our 15th wedding anniversary, I am wondering that even more.
We were one of those irritating couples who enjoyed each other’s company over the company of anyone else. We were “two peas in a pod” and we had the same general approach life and to living. So, I imagine that we would play games and enjoy lovely walks, runs, and bike rides today (and, of course, with the children we were meant to adopt). I imagine we would have been enjoying our fancy dinner parties that we used to hold once a month – with only the two of us on the invitation list (we would have invited the kids, too).
I am always aware that my Mr isn’t here with me, and I can feel that he is missing from my life. But as time has gone on, I find I don’t actively miss him most days. I suppose that’s because I am now accustomed to the “amputation” of widowhood. But now I am just so much more aware of his absence in my life.
Don’t get me wrong: I also know that we would have “enjoyed” more than our fair share of testy moments during a lockdown together. He was not an overly cheerful morning person and I am very much a cheerful morning person. And believe me, that difference in early morning attitudes could really cause a few tussles! Nothing that we couldn’t overcome though. (But it only took a few minutes for him to shake the grumpy, so we made it work.) I am sure that there would have been moments of stress and frustration and a need for us to get away from each other for a few hours here and there. But I also know that we would have (mostly) enjoyed each other’s company.
But that’s not my reality. And that means that I am marking 15 years of being Mrs Ryan without my Mr once again. And missing him, and missing us, more than normal.
Happy anniversary, Paul. You will always be my first love and you will live in my heart forever. I luv ya, luv.